Just getting out of a long marriage and don’t feel like you know yourself anymore? Are you dreading getting back out there and dating again? Want to know how to get your mojo back so that you feel sexy and datable again?  These questions really resonate with me as I went through this journey when I got out of a 10 year marriage.

I had to rediscover myself and find out who I was again. After being married for a long time, your identity gets wrapped up in your partner and you forget who you are and what makes you tick separate from that person. This is an important journey for every divorced person to go through as you need to know and understand who you are and what you want in order to attract that right person in your life. 

The first thing that usually happens post-divorce is that you go through adolescence to reunite with your youth and feel alive again. You might go to the bars until the wee hours, have sex with partners significantly younger than you or try to date the exciting “bad boys” or “bad girls” that take you places you normally would never go.

This is a very important stage that helps you get that mojo and sexual confidence you once had when you were dating before marriage or perhaps never had. This dynamic also may provide an outlet for you as a way to escape from the stress of divorce and to make you feel good. Finally, you might finally be able to do things and get involved in activities that your spouse didn’t enjoy or didn’t want you to do. This is your time now so embrace it, own it, and have fun!

The second thing that happens often is that there is a transformation in your image. People tend to lose weight, get back into shape, have plastic surgery and buy new clothes. The external changes can give you a new sense of identity and internal confidence. Moreover, the reinforcement you might get from the opposite sex, family and friends can provide that motivation to get back out there and see that you are desirable.

Finally, take the time and learn how to date again. It’s a different world out there than how it used to be when you were in your twenties. I often tell people that you are fishing in a different pond with foreign fish. When you are in your twenties, the pond is filled with plenty of fish who all look pretty similar.

They may vary in color, but most fish are in the same place and if you catch one you can throw it back in and get another one easily. Later in life, the pond looks completely different, some fish have three eyes, some have gills missing and some look great! In other words, people have life experiences that are different than when you are young. The good news is that being older, you do have the life experiences to know who you are and what you want. So, enjoy taking your time fishing so that you can catch the right one!


As you are embarking upon this exciting journey, here are a few tips to help you along the way:

  1. Discover your passions again. Do things maybe you couldn’t do with your ex and always wanted to or used to do. Go bungie jumping, take a hike, get a new pet or engage in any other activity you have been wanting to do for a long time but haven’t. Rediscover what makes you feel lively and are interested in. It is also important to have hobbies and things you like to do outside of just dating. Your date will also admire that you are into your own thing and will have things to talk about and possibly do together.
  2. Get into your body and be sexy. It’s easy to feel a little insecure about your sexual confidence when you have been with one person for so long. Get out of your head and into your body by taking salsa, pole dancing, buying new lingerie, reading about sex, or exploring your sexual side. Also, exercise in order to reclaim your power, get in shape, and feel sexually confident. When you feel good about your body, you move differently and give off a sexual energy that both men and women find attractive.
  3. Get a new social circle. As nice as your married friends are, they are in a different place than you. It’s time to start meeting new people who are also single to have fun with. This way you can go out, be a little crazy and practice talking and flirting when you are out.
  4. Observe and learn from role models. Watch people who are good at attracting the opposite sex and note their body language, the way they talk, and how they dress. The more you surround yourself with people like that, the more you will embody a similar energy.
  5. Buy new clothes for a great dating image. Look in your closet and survey your wardrobe. Do you have a closet filled with black oversize shirts that don’t fit your body well, nursing bras and Birkenstocks? Your dating image should be different than your mommy and daddy look, your corporate look, and your “older” look. With your new found image, learn what clothes the opposite sex find sexy. Women: get some dresses, heels, sexy tank tops, nice jeans, and dress feminine. Men: get out of your pleated pants and get fitted jeans, a nice button down, and a sports coat. Accentuate the body parts you like and wear your clothes with confidence!


At the end of the day, enjoy this time in your life as it’s a chance to start over and rediscover yourself again. It can all be overwhelming but if you take your time and do even some of the aforementioned suggestions, you will start the process of feeling whole again and working towards finding the right person in your life!




This article originally published on YourTango.

About the Author Kim

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