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Have you ever dated a narcissist? Well, if you have, you’re not alone!  This week, Kim discusses how to spot narcissists from a mile away and how to avoid them!  If you’re on a date with a suspected narcissist, Kim shares some great tips on how to weed them out.  Here’s the thing, if you’re a natural caregiver, you’re more inclined to be accommodating and give in to their selfish needs. Kim talks about how to check your own behavior to make sure you’re not allowing someone to take your power away. You do have the power to stop attracting narcissists and this episode will show you how to get off this negative track.

If you’ve had a history of lopsided relationships and are looking to make a shift in your love life, join Love Makeover Insiders, Kim’s FREE private Facebook group for women committed to transforming their love lives from the outside in.

How To Stop Attracting Narcissists

Does this sound like something that you have been through? You were together for years and you did everything possible for your partner. You knew how they took their coffee in the morning and even what their favorite dish was. You knew about the various events that took place in their day and you even expressed interest. When they were unhappy, you tried doing things for them so that they would be loving again, but no matter what you did or what you said, it was never enough.

They might have cheated, lied, turned to drugs, alcohol, or whatever it was that they could divert their attention to you, to other things, and to fill themselves up. Finally, at the end of the relationship, you have had enough. You break up or get a divorce. After the fog has lifted, you have come out on the other side and think to yourself, “They never knew me and what I liked.” It was all about them.

Moreover, you realize that you keep attracting these same types of people over and over again. They look different, but when you unzip the costume and see the inside, they are the same people. These are what you may refer to as narcissists. This term has become almost a buzzword and mainstream in nowadays’ pop culture so much that it is getting overused. Nonetheless, the dynamic of the narcissist is what is so maddening when you have been in a relationship like this.

True Narcissism

Being a therapist, it is important to understand what true narcissism is. Let’s talk about that for a second because I do feel like people use this word very loosely and anytime somebody becomes a little selfish, you are like, “They are a narcissist.” That is not truly what narcissism is. Although, whether you have been in a relationship with a true diagnosable narcissist, somebody who is selfish, a man child, or somebody who is self-involved, the effect is still the same. It still leaves you with a feeling of despair and feeling like, “There are no good guys or women out there.”

I want to help you understand what the narcissist is because when you understand what the narcissist is, it is a way for you to understand yourself. What I’m about to share with you may shock you to know that there may be things that you are doing to attract these people in your life over and over again. Who are they?

Preying On Caregivers

Here are a couple of characteristics. Think about the people in your life. Do they fit the boat? The first thing I would say is that narcissists prey on caregivers because they make them feel better. They are very insecure and empty inside so they rely on external things like women, money, complete other attention on them, sex, or expensive cars, you name it.

Grandiosity & Empathy

It is a way to fill themselves up or at least they are trying to fill themselves up to gain attention and validation. Lo and behold, it is like an empty machine. No matter how much you fill it up, it never is enough. That is what’s so maddening being in a relationship with someone like that. That is the first and foremost.

Treat yourself as well as you treat others. Declare your needs, and declare your desires. Be careful that you're not putting others before you all the time. Click To Tweet

To be truly diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder, like when a therapist is diagnosing, the person must exhibit what we call grandiosity. They think things are way blown out of proportion, even if it is only in fantasy, but it is their reality. They also have a lack of empathy. They truly cannot understand what it feels like to be on the other side and what other people might go through. It is all about them.

The other trait is they may have been having these dreams of unlimited power and the belief that he or she is special. They require constant admiration and attention. It is so constant that it is exhausting because you think that you are giving enough but you somehow get blamed that it is not enough. That is the second characteristic.

Emotionally Dead

The third trait is that they are emotionally dead. They are so afraid to look at themselves. They end up deflecting it onto others and that is why they constantly blame other people. Have you ever been in a relationship and you almost feel like there is something wrong with you because no matter what you do, you are to blame?

This is a classic behavior that narcissists do, and they are good at it. They make you feel like you did do something wrong. It is not until you are out of it. You look back and say, “I can’t believe I got caught up in that.” It is almost like a storm that you get caught up in. When I coach people, I teach them how to detect signs of a narcissist because you can’t change them but what you can do is change your perception and what you can do. When you spot them, you get rid of the narcissist the minute you say hello because you can stop attracting narcissists.

Cracking The Narcissist Code

You can crack this code. I promise. I have helped so many people do this. What made me want to do this topic is that I started a Facebook group and it is called The Love Makeover Insiders. I encourage you to join because it is a supergroup and we are doing lots of fun things. Everybody who is introducing themselves in some way, shape, or form is saying that they have an ex that was a narcissist, and they do not know if they can trust again. Maybe there is somebody else out there but they are having a hard time getting past it.

When you have been in this relationship, it can be damaging and it is hard to know what to do to get past it. It is important to crack this code because you must change the way that you are going about relationships in your life. I’m not talking about attracting a partner. Think about other relationships you have in your life. Think about coworkers and your interactions with them. Think about your friendships. Are they lopsided?

This is exciting to think about because you have the power to change it. If you do not change it, you are going to continue to attract them like mosquitoes and they are going to suck the life out of you. It happens so much that you almost get numb to it. I know what you are thinking. You are probably saying, “How is this my doing? I can’t help that there are all these sick men and women out there. I would rather be single than attract them into my life. It is not me.”

TCQ Attracting Narcissists | Stop Attracting Narcissists
Stop Attracting Narcissists: Narcissists prey on care-givers because they make them feel better. They’re very insecure and they’re empty inside so they rely on external things like women, money, and complete and utter attention on them.

We are always 50% of the equation every single time. You are right. We cannot change those people. We could be talking about anything and it is not just narcissists. It could be unhealthy addicts, people who are not good for you, or abusive relationships. They need to work on themselves. All we can do is look at ourselves and our peace. Change our perspective and change the way that we go at it. I have seen the code being cracked before my eyes with my clients. They end up attracting these amazing people into their life. At first, they almost think it is luck but when they are doing the work and realized it is because they are changing themselves, it is almost magical.

What if you knew that you could get rid of them or there was a medicine for this thing that keeps happening to you? This leaks into other areas. Think about that. When you do some of the things that I’m about to tell you, you are going to see a drastic change in your relationships across the board. It is pretty cool when it happens because you can stop attracting narcissists. You can crack the Narcissist Code. I promise.

There was a most profound case and I might have even talked about this before, but I got to highlight it because it was a woman who came to work with me. First of all, she was in a marriage with a narcissist. Since her divorce, she had maybe two other relationships. Lo and behold, they were narcissists as well. She was at that breaking point where she said, “I give up.” She was about to throw in the towel.

Thank God she called me and didn’t throw in the towel. She got to that pain point where she wanted to change because she still had her whole life ahead of her. She was a young, beautiful woman. She came in and did an intensive with me. We went shopping, did the coaching, therapy and the whole shebang but the minute she got here, I realized exactly what was going on.

First of all, even the way she showed up in her clothes and cared for herself, I could see she let herself go. That was the first and foremost. I wanted her to start feeling good about herself because caregivers are notorious for not pampering themselves and caring more about other people and other things going on rather than themselves.

Before all this happened, it was pretty put together. She enjoyed clothes and all of that but she had lost her way. I wanted to help her get that back. As her confidence started growing and as we started coaching together, I realized there were so many ways she was giving her power away. She kept agreeing with me on everything. She had no opinion or whatsoever. She had a hard time sharing things about herself, disclosing feelings about things and what she was passionate about.

When I brought this to her attention, I said, “I can only say how I’m feeling with you. I could only imagine how men must feel when they are out on a date.” She looked at me and got teary-eyed. She was like, “I did not even realize I was doing that.” I repeated back to her all the ways that she was doing this. We worked on her verbiage, the way she communicated, and how to set boundaries. All of the things that I teach my clients are specific to her.

If you don't start taking action now and do something different, you will remain frozen, scared, and lonely. Click To Tweet

The other interesting piece of information was that when we went back into her history, she let me know that her father was a full-blown narcissist. In a way, the men in her life she kept choosing and attracting were like her father. Why? It was something she knew. We often get attracted to things that we know. It is a known entity. It almost feels comfortable. Even if it is unhealthy for us, we know it. It was almost a subconscious thing.

We almost had to do a little bit of mindset shift and reprogramming to help her get to a different place with what a partnership should be about. She did it and we worked on our body language. I put her on a dating regimen and she dated very differently than she ever had before. The guys that she was normally getting attracted to were these charismatic and fun guys who were the center of attention at every party. That is who she was getting attracted to.

I had her go for a little bit more shy and reserved guys. We did a lot of things like the chemistry analysis that I do with people. She ended up in a very good place. She was dating up a storm and was finally ready to look for a relationship again. She attracted this amazing guy into her life who is still her boyfriend. It was because she shifted the way that she perceived what she was getting caught up in and the chemistry, what she thought she deserved and because of that, she changed the result.

Set Boundaries

I want to share with you ways that I help clients crack the Narcissist Code. Take out your pen. You are going to want to take notes on this. Even if you did one of these tips, you would see a difference in the way that people even treat you and relate to you. Number one, set boundaries. You hear this all the time but treat yourself as well as you treat others. Declare your needs and desires. If you are that caretaker over caretaker, as I call it, be careful that you are not putting others before you all the time.

I always use the metaphor of the pitcher and the glasses, where you are the pitcher of water and you have all these glasses to fill. You can’t fill these other glasses unless your pitcher is full. When you fill yourself up first and you demand what it is that you feel and what you desire, people respect you more and you are less resentful. That is what’s so interesting.

There was a client that I worked with. She is learning how to date and date differently. She was doing online dating and this is where she was starting. She has tremendous difficulty setting boundaries. This small example showed up where she was supposed to meet this guy, and from the text, they were supposed to meet on a Saturday. He had it in his mind that they were supposed to meet on a Friday. The Friday was not good for her, Saturday was.

When it got closer, he went off on her saying, “No, we are supposed to meet Friday. That is the only day I can meet.” She became very angry inside but instead of saying something, holding her ground and not to be mean but said, “Maybe we could reschedule but Friday is not good for me.” She changed her schedule to accommodate him, and then inside, she was mad. Showing up on the date with that already taking place is going to set a precedent.

TCQ Attracting Narcissists | Stop Attracting Narcissists
Stop Attracting Narcissists: You can’t change narcissists. But you can change your perception and what you can do so that you spot them and get rid of them the minute you say hello.

Look For Reciprocity

Let’s say they did get into a relationship. From the get-go, it started that way where she gave her power away. She was not direct with how she felt. She changed her needs and feelings to accommodate the guy. This is what I’m talking about setting boundaries. That is number one. Number two, look for reciprocity. Narcissists are good often.

There are different kinds of narcissists. There are ones that are a little quiet but a lot of times, they are good at being charming, telling stories, and sharing all this great stuff about them. When you are meeting them on dates, you might get almost mesmerized by that, especially if you are one of those quiet girls or quiet guys. The extroversion is almost energizing for you. You feed off of that but then they feed off of you being so quiet because they love being on stage, and you are giving them all the attention.

When you are on dates, pay attention. Is the conversation reciprocal or is it one-sided? What are you doing to reinforce it? Are you sitting there waiting for him to ask you questions or are you offering things and seeing what he does with them? That is the thing. I hear a lot of people complain, “He never asked me about me.” When I say, “Did you ever offer anything about yourself?” “No, I was waiting for him to ask.” It is a two-way street. This is so good in cracking the Narcissist Code.

I’m speaking to the women here. Let’s pretend that you are out on a date with a guy and he starts talking about himself. He is charming, and you are getting caught up in the stories and everything like that. I dare you next time to interject a story about yourself without him asking you and see what he does with it. It is almost funny when you start doing it to see if they are going to pay attention to you. Does he stop his conversation and listen to you? Is he interested in what you have to say or does he divert it? Does he look away? Does he cut you off? Pay attention to this stuff. This is how you can detect things.

I was working with a client when I was a matchmaker, and she hired me for coaching. I remember going out and teaching her how to tell stories. She was a narcissist magnet. There was no doubt. She was one of those almost extreme cases where she said nothing but she was pretty on top of it. She reminded me of someone in a pageant. She had show up. She looked pretty. She would smile, nod, and listen to all the stories.

When I was out with her, I saw it firsthand, where all these people started talking. She would sit there, nod, and not say anything about her. I had to teach her how to speak up and share stories about herself. It is not easy. If you are not used to doing something like that, I encourage you to practice. Storytelling is a great technique that I teach my clients all the time. I promise the dynamics will start changing and also your perspective on who you are with.

Ladies, do not accept crumbs. You deserve the cake. Click To Tweet

Know Your Personal Value

Number three, do not give it all away. I’m not talking about sex. What I mean is don’t give your value away too much, too soon, too fast because the narcissist will suck it up. They love that. If you find that you are a relationship person, you love the relationship, and you are good at making other people feel good. Be careful of that.

Are you playing therapist all the time? Are you offering advice and doing things for them? They get sucked into you because they love how they feel around you. I am going to throw myself under the bus for this. I used to be that girl. My training was with a therapist, and a lot of people who are counselors, therapists, nurses, doctors, and caregivers fall into that trap all the time but A) It was not sexy and B) I was attracting lopsided relationships before. There was no doubt. I had to retrain myself to share my stuff and not be that good listener. Think about that for yourself.

Follow Through

Finally, the fourth tip is to test to see if these people’s words match their actions. Does the person you are attracted to mean what they say and say what they mean? Narcissists love to talk but they rarely follow through. They talk a good game like, “We are going to do this. We are going to go here and there.” They love the whole drama and the energy that they create with it but often, they don’t follow through. It is all vibrato, as I call it. If you take a look at these four things, I promise you you are going to start cracking the code and you will stop attracting these narcissists.

It is time for my letter that I would like to read. This is a good one and it relates to what we are talking about. This is from Darcy. “I was in a relationship for about three years with a narcissist, or at least he had narcissistic qualities to him. He also was an alcoholic and I did not realize how bad his drinking problem was. He hid a lot from me and then I found out he was lying. He was cheating. He turned it around and made me feel like I was crazy.” This is what I was talking about before, where you feel like you are to blame or you are crazy.

“I finally got away from it. I went back a few times to see if we could rectify things. I struggled with it for almost a year. I started thinking about the good times and not focusing on what was bad for me. I need to remember the bad times as well so that I can get over them. I won’t allow myself to be manipulated again. I have not dated. I’m starting to talk to people online but I don’t trust that I’m ready yet. I don’t know if I will ever be. How can I trust again?”

Darcy, thank you for writing and sharing that. A lot of you can relate to what Darcy went through. Maybe it is some level or aspect of that relationship. It must have been hard being in that situation for so long. I can see why it is so hard to trust again but what you are struggling with at this point is your ability to trust yourself with your picker, so to speak.

It sounds like you are worried about being in this situation again. You are frozen but the truth is if you do not start taking action and do something different, you will remain frozen, scared, and lonely. Perhaps you might even attract that narcissist again. When you are ready, he might be there again in a different costume. We got to change this. You can’t change them but you can change the perspective and how you are going at it.

TCQ Attracting Narcissists | Stop Attracting Narcissists
Stop Attracting Narcissists: You have the power to change things. If you don’t change, you’re going to continue to attract narcissists like mosquitoes and they’re going to suck the life out of you. And it happens so much that you almost get numb to it.

Number one, this is something that I see happen all the time with breakups. There is a grieving process that you go through. When you have been in a narcissistic relationship, there is another layer to it. You start second-guessing yourself and it can be very traumatizing. Something interesting about death, divorce, or breakup is that, over time, you end up idealizing the dead, meaning that you will only remember the good things and forget about the bad. That is certainly what is happening with Darcy.

You might be saying to yourself, “It was not that bad.” Remind yourself of what did not work and the pain rather than missing the idea of the relationship. Here is the other thing. I do not think you are missing him. You are just missing the idea of being in a relationship. I’m going to go one step further and say that you might even miss trying to fix it.

Some people get addicted to the fix because it validates them as the fixer. That sounds almost strange but a lot of us do this all the time, especially if you had an ascribed role growing up that you are the caretaker and that is all you know. This is an opportunity to change that. Take a look at what did not work and remind yourself because you do deserve more.

Number two, look at your piece. Are you an over caregiver? Do you have other lopsided relationships? Do you put other needs before yours? What was your role in this relationship? There was something that you were getting out of it by taking care of this guy, especially when you are dealing with alcoholism and unpredictable behaviors. Maybe you felt the need to keep fixing and try to have what I call a corrective experience from something else in the past. This is an opportunity to do a lot of the inner work.

Finally, see yourself as important. Ladies, do not accept crumbs. You deserve the cake. I say this all the time. Men, if you are in a narcissistic relationship, you deserve the best too. You do not deserve the crumbs either. All of you deserve the best, but you have to do things for yourself, not for others, and practice receiving.

I hope that was helpful. Once you are ready to move on, I would follow those tips that I went over and crack the Narcissist Code so you can date light and start getting used to who is and who is not. Take a look at yourself and how you are interacting with them. Overall, I’m excited for you. This is a chance to attract something different. You deserve that. If you are like Darcy, I encourage you to do the self-assessment on yourself to see what you can do.

A Bottomless Pit

Remember, in the end, narcissists are a bottomless pit. It does not matter how much you give. You will never get anything in return. It is almost like a broken gumball machine or slot machine. You keep putting in the coins and you are hoping, “The next one, I’m going to win the gold or I will get the gumball,” but nothing happens. You keep filling it up but you get nothing in return. Fill yourself up first. Stop feeding the coins because you can stop attracting narcissists. You can crack the Narcissist Code.

I hope that was helpful. Thanks for joining me. Remember, you can build confidence, make connections and find love from the outside in. If you want to join that free Facebook group that I talked about, it is called The Love Makeover Insiders. Stay tuned. Until next time with more tips on how to feel and look fabulous every day.

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