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Dating is tough for everyone! But what if you knew there were common mistakes that you might be making when trying to attract a partner? There are repetitive behavioral patterns that show up in us over and over again. When you’re able to recognize your patterns and challenges, you can make adjustments as needed to get a different result. This week, Kim talks through her 5 Dating Archetypes she has studied over the years as a dating and relationship coach and therapist. Open up your notepad or grab a pen because you’re going to want to take notes. Now of course these archetypes are sometimes painted with a broad brush and you likely won’t fit neatly into one box. However, pay attention to which characteristics Kim talks about that may have derailed a previous relationship of yours or have prevented you from getting to know someone on a deeper level. Listen to find out all about each one and the strategies you can use to break these patterns in order for you to find love! If you want to find out exactly what your dating archetype is, follow this link: https://bit.ly/2JZsSYY and take the Dating Archetype Quiz!
What Is Your Dating Archetype?
Helping A Client
There was this well-known woman. She was a celebrity but she will remain nameless. She came into my life when I was a matchmaker. When she came to me, she was a matchmaking client and her message was, “Kim, find me a man.” This was often the case when I was a matchmaker. The truth of the matter is, often, when I would work with people, I could show so many beautiful prospects to many people. If people didn’t do the work and they stopped with some of the things that were going on in their life, the patterns that got created and unhealthy choices, the same dynamics kept happening over and over again.
Going back to this woman, she was beautiful. She had all the money in the world. She was in the entertainment world. She had fame and fortune. She also had a very rich social life on top of it and a lot of great friends. She was out and about. She had plenty of places to meet people but the one big problem was she couldn’t find love. I realized after getting to know her a little bit that it wasn’t the man that she needed me for. That was the easy part. I showed her plenty of interesting, well-off, good-looking guys. I could find anyone with the snap of my finger but I knew that no matter who I matched her with, she would have the same problem.
No one was good enough. No one was her equal. There was something wrong with everybody. Finally, I had to give her a little tough love and I told her what she needed was my coaching and to work on herself so that she could be her matchmaker. She hired me on the spot after I told her that because no one else had the balls to stand up to her and tell her like it is. The first thing I did with her was my signature Wing-Gal sessions. For those of you who don’t know what that is, these are live sessions where I go out and about with people. I work on body language and how people come across it. I do this with both men and women, seeing how people are in their natural environment.
I almost act as a mirror. I’m reflecting on what I see. There’s nothing like it because here’s the thing, I knew she could talk a good game but I had to see her in action. She thought she knew what the problem was. The problem in her mind was everything outside of herself but she didn’t take any responsibility and what it was about her. We went out. She took me to a very exclusive place here in Hollywood. There’s a lot of entertainment people there. A lot of high rollers hang out there. I also took her out of her element to a dive bar where she knew not one soul. Here’s the funny thing. No matter what setting I put her in, I knew and I saw exactly what was going on. It was the same thing.
She was so busy directing each room she walked into, running the show and had this demeanor of being rough around the edges that it intimidated and confused men. When I saw her in person, she was this tall, elegant, beautiful, thin, blonde and smart woman. The juxtaposition of this elegant-looking woman and then when you talk to her, she had this rough business, bossy, demeanor. Men were scared of her. They did not know their place with her. I could tell they felt emasculated and left with their balls feeling cut off. There was this tremendous need for her to be in control and produce every part of her life. That was so clear to me.If you're having trouble finding love, maybe the problem might be you. Work on yourself so that you could be your own matchmaker. Click To Tweet
What I didn’t tell you is that as I got her history and saw her whole life, she was also a single mom of a little girl. She had a horrible and abusive divorce. Her past was riddled with abandonment and disappointment. She had her boxing gloves on at all times. She was what I call the quintessential dating archetype, The Chief. In the end, I helped her. I softened her around the edges. I helped her understand how to be in her feminine, both in the ways that she communicated verbally and with her body language and to take off the boxing gloves to learn how to be more vulnerable and teaching her that it wasn’t because she was a celebrity or high profile why she wasn’t finding love. There were these core fundamental issues that were preventing a deeper connection with men.
Dating Archetypes And Patterns
For the first time in her life, she understood what it was to receive and that she deserved love, one that was reciprocal. Lo and behold, months later, she found a guy. This scenario that I painted with my client was one of the five dating archetypes that I find women fall into. A little bit of history of these archetypes, I came up with them after coaching. I’ve coached thousands and thousands of women over the years and I’m seeing them in the field. There were these certain patterns that I started detecting over and over again. After I go out with people, I usually write these summaries, my observations and I give them homework assignments.
Here’s the thing. I found myself writing similar things over and over again. That told me that there were some very common mistakes and struggles that everybody has. It was a way to explain why so many women have difficulties finding love. There are several challenges that we all face, whether you’re a man or a woman, when it comes to dating. If it is not addressed, not recognized and not dealt with, there will be a continuation of these unhealthy patterns. There are a lot of other things that go into that. It’s not just the person. The variable such as age, a family of origin, your ascribed role, growing up, previous patterns, abuse or hurt that has happened that shapes us or instills fear in us or our living environment.
Everyone has challenges. We all have blind spots when it comes to dating but if you know what they are and how to work through them, you will find love. When you can be aware and recognize patterns, you can change things to get a different result. That is so empowering, knowing that you can tweak a few things and get a different result. I know what you’re thinking. I can hear some of you saying to yourself, “Kim, I don’t like being pigeonholed or placed as an archetype or stereotype. I am a unique person. You can’t compare me to other people. How do you know this is accurate?” You are unique. I take pride and make sure that I treat each person I work with as a unique individual.
That’s why as a therapist, it’s important to understand your past and journey to see how it’s connecting to the future and the patterns that get created so that you can push past these things you want to get rid of. Not every woman is going to fall into 100% of an archetype. Most people have characteristics and traits of all of them but usually, some traits are more predominant, which causes a pattern in their love life.
I’m going to do something a little different. I want to go over and reveal my five archetypes and describe some of their characteristics of them. This is going to be super fun. I want you to go get a piece of paper and pencil or open up your word doc and take notes. As I’m describing it, I want you to check off or highlight what resonates with you. What is hitting home with you? It’s then and only then, as you become aware of yourself is when change happens.
The first one is The Chief. My client was The Chief, for sure. Overall, if you’re The Chief, you tend to exude some masculine energy. You may be more comfortable in your work energy. You have a difficult time relinquishing control. You might be perceived as a little rough around the edges and initiate too much. You’re always producing as a way of gaining that control. You generally pay little attention to the softer side of you, the feminine you. Receiving is very difficult, so overall, men may get the feeling that you are running a board meeting or an interview and that you got it and you can do it all. There’s very little room for a man to take care of you.
Here are some typical characteristics, so read carefully and see if these are you. One is, you may sniff too early for reassurance that you’re growing intimate feelings are mutual or the guy that you want to date is the right person for you. If you can control some of these characteristics, then that means you might get rid of them fast. You might go on a date, size somebody up and if there’s one thing wrong, they’re out of here. Also, there is a tendency to argue or debate men to prove that you’re smart. You might be very competitive in all aspects of your life.
It may not show up in a very aggressive way. It could also be in a passive-aggressive way. Also, your image and dating clothes, a lot of times, you might be more comfortable in those business suits, those blazers, pants and garments. You’re more apt to go out on a date right after work because it’s way more efficient and you won’t waste any time. Your body language and mannerisms are a little bit harsher, quick, tense, fast-paced and you like to know way ahead of time where and when the date will take place. You may even orchestrate where and when to meet the guy. If that sounds like you, then you are probably more likely The Chief.When you can recognize your unhealthy patterns, that is when change truly happens. Click To Tweet
I outlined an example, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time on what she looks like. It can manifest differently in different people. I had the pleasure of working with a woman in her 80s who was adorable but a widow. The thing that was very difficult for her was to relinquish control. You can only imagine, she felt like a fish out of water and hadn’t dated since she got married to her beloved when she was nineteen. Fast forward to when I was working with her, I realized how much her need to control was showing up in every aspect. She was trying to have control of where to go on dates. Even when I was with her, she was trying to control what I did or what I said or what to do and she was even directing me.
I had to have a hard talk with her, my tough-love approach. I said, “I’m feeling like I’m being controlled. I can only imagine how men might feel in your presence.” She looked at me, and it was like I had caught her. Then she came clean and said that’s some of the men that she had been dating since her husband’s death had given her that feedback. This can show up in different ways. It’s not always 100% but think about that dynamic if you are The Chief.
The List Lady
The second archetype is what I call The List Lady. You List Ladies, there is a Bugs Bunny list that scrolls out 10 feet long in front of you and on that list, you have all the qualities of what the man must be. If you can’t check off every single qualification he has, then you will dismiss them, let them go and won’t even give them a chance. You’re constantly checking off the list.
In the end, you decide that no one can ever fulfill your requirements or expectations, so therefore you hypothesize, “There are no good men out there.” There’s too much focus here and emphasis on completing the checklist during a date. What happens is it becomes a Q and A interview rather than having fun and it being a storytelling, playful time where you’re getting to know each other and being in the moment.
That list is a way to protect you. This is what I see happen over and over again. If a lot of the things that are on people’s lists are usually things that maybe they lacked in previous relationships or something they want to get away from so the minute they see any red flags or things that don’t fit into that mold or the list, they’re out of there. You’re scared that things are going to happen again as they did in your previous relationships. Some typical characteristics of The List Lady is that you conduct a date like an interview and have a very hard time getting out of your head and being in the moment.
There’s usually a sense of urgency or desperation to find the one, perhaps due to the current desire, such as wanting kids. I see this a lot in women in their 30s or even early 40s who still want kids or perhaps healing from a relationship. You are very target-specific in social settings with whom you will talk and flirt. You will only show interest and pay attention to guys who have the potential for you or are attracted to you. If they don’t fit the bill, then you dismiss them.Don't focus on completing your checklist on a date. That will only make it feel like a Q&A interview rather than a fun time. Click To Tweet
You say to your friends often, “There are no good men out there. All men are slime. These aren’t the kind of men I would date.” In your dress, the way you show up, you will only dress sexy for men that you are interested in because why even bother with the guys that you’re not? You also expect a man to come up to you and feel that you have no role in that. The man should be the man. It’s almost like a test to see if he’ll fit what’s on your list and show up like a man.
I often encounter Lists Ladies. Sometimes it’s in combination with some of the others. There was this one woman that I worked with, who also was a widow. She had a hard time understanding the nuances of dating. She was in her late 50s. It was almost like working with somebody who had been going back in time into her adolescence. Psychologically, if you think about it, it made sense because the last time she dated was about that age. She picked up where she left off. When she was out in the world, she was looking for a hot guy like how we do in our adolescents. She would only go out with the hot men.
Her expectations were way high and what qualifications they would have, who she would even flirt with. I even talked about her in one of my other shows. She was that girl who was target-specific and who she would turn it on and turn it off with. I had to work with her. I’m getting that list off the table and narrowing it down more to negotiables and non-negotiables. What was important here?
It took a lot of work. In the end, after making her go out with not her type and flirting with people that she was not attracted to, she started understanding that it was such a journey for her and a growing lesson that it wasn’t about the looks. Paying attention and focusing too much on the looks was also her way of protecting herself from the fear of getting hurt, rejecting, and dealing with her late husband’s stuff. Hopefully, that highlights what The List Lady is.
The Friend Zone Gal
The third archetype is what I call The Friend Zone Gal. Ladies, girls and women, you fall into friend zones as well. It’s funny because that term is often used mostly for guys. I know this because I work with men too. What this looks like is that men tend to put you in the friend zone due to a lack of sexual attraction or there’s this blandness about you. The conversations tend to be more factual and male-dominated. Your feelings of insecurity or low confidence may come out. You would rather stick to safe topics, things that are based on facts. A lot of these women might talk about business, sports and actual statistics of things.
It’s almost like shooting the crap with another guy. You are much more comfortable talking in facts and you usually avoid things of personal nature and have a hard time getting more into your emotive side and feminine side. Here are some typical characteristics. You feel funny or embarrassed about flirting or turning up the sexual energy around men. You feel like, “I hate those girls who get all giggly. It’s not me. I can’t do that.” Men usually want to be your friend and talk about other women with you. You’re good with men. You may even have a ton of male friends but they see you as more as one of the guys, not as a sexual partner.
You may even give them high fives and talk about sports or what’s happening in the stock market because that’s much more comfortable for you. The way you dress is you’re all about comfort. A typical outfit might be some loose jeans, sneakers and a t-shirt. Not that there’s anything wrong with a casual look but you can still look sexy and cute in a casual way. For you, that’s not important. You may even hide in your clothes. If you think about it, what is the point of dressing up for a date or wearing something you normally don’t put on? You feel like it’s almost not true because you want a guy to like you for you and not change who you are.
Even if you go out on a date, you rarely get to that second date because you often hear, “You’re a nice girl but I didn’t feel the chemistry.” I am working with a woman who exemplifies this archetype. When you look at her, she’s a pretty girl, very successful, nice as can be and has a ton of friends. There’s nothing wrong with her life. She doesn’t have any holes in her life but she’s constantly being put in the friend zone. When I met her, she had not been on 1 date in 2 or 3 years.What Is Your Dating Archetype? Click To Tweet
When I asked her why this was, she’s like, “Guys don’t find me attractive. I go online and try to talk to guys but for some reason, they end up being my friends.” After working with her for a while, I came to realize what the root of the problem was. Her comfort in her sexuality is very hard and uncomfortable for her. Putting her in a dress was a huge thing and that was the first thing I did with her. We had to go shopping. I started dressing her a little sexier, still got her some great casual clothes, great pants, start putting her in more color, teaching her how to flirt, working with her body language and working on her mindset so that she sees herself as a sexy, feminine woman. That is where the work is.
I’m happy to report that she is doing amazing. If you see her, you would never put her in the friend zone. She’s finally going online, starting to get dates and wearing dresses. Cute little feedback she got, I put her in these hot, leather-type pants. She wore them one day. A guy stopped her in the streets and said, “Girl, I want to tell you that with those pants, you look amazing.” He walked away. He wasn’t being creepy or anything like that but she had never gotten that before. It felt so good and foreign to her. She’s getting more and more compliments because she’s more comfortable in her femininity.
Let’s move on to the fourth one, which is The Dame. For those of you who don’t know what a dame is, the literal translation is the female knight. If you’re The Dame, you have the armor on so thick that a man can’t even make a dent in you. You tend to have little or no body signals that you are available, open for business. Your cab light is off. You won’t even be talking to a man. You have a shield, sword and armor. You have at all on. When you enter a room, you have this tunnel vision about you and you have no awareness that men are even interested in you. You’re very in your head.
Here are some characteristics of The Dame. You tend to look at and talk to just your girlfriends in public places. You don’t use a big party or social event to meet men. You rarely or never make eye contact or smile at a man when you’re out and about. With your body language, there tends to be a little bit of stiffness. There’s something guarded. You may even step back from a man when he’s talking to you, you may have a lot of distance between you and him. Even if you’re talking to a man, you might look down a lot or walk fast. If you’re given a choice of sitting in a bar or a small table in the corner of a restaurant, you will pick the small table. Why? That’s so much more comfortable than sitting at a bar and possibly talking to somebody.
You have the core belief that it’s not polite to talk with someone unless they initiate the conversation. You don’t want to be rude. You don’t want to bother people, especially if they’re looking busy. You feel that most people are busy and don’t want to be bothered. I’ve seen a lot of dames out there with the armor. For me, what’s profound is working with these women in the field, more than anything else. It’s sometimes hard to detect these things over the phone or even if you know somebody who’s a Dame.
This is a snippet of a Dame that I didn’t even get to work with. I wish I had because it was so profound. I did this Wing-Girl workshop where there was a group of women. I was eyeballing everybody and it was hard to get to everyone but I could see different things in different women. Especially as the archetypes, they showed up very quickly for me. This woman was dressed in black but even though she was so pretty, she was invisible. It’s hard for me to explain what that even looks like but it was her energy, her body language and the way she was hiding from the world. When I went to talk to her, she would constantly back up. I could tell the personal space was hard for her.
Any slight touch, I’m a very touchy, feely person, so I often will touch a shoulder or hug a person, I could tell it made her very uncomfortable. I told her what I was seeing and it hit her like a ton of bricks. Having somebody tell her how she was coming across hit her. She disclosed to me that she had been sexually abused and she did not realize how it was showing up in her body. She did tell me that she’s completely fearful of men, even though she goes out on dates and she had relationships since then. She never addressed this part of her life, so it was showing up in her body big time.
There are a lot of things that can happen to a person why the Dame shows up. It could be something deep like that but it also could be something very benign. Maybe you grew up in an environment where touch and being more in touch with your emotional side wasn’t cultivated so you’re not comfortable and you carry with you this armor.If you're a friend zone gal, you need to work on your mindset so that you see yourself as a sexy feminine woman. Click To Tweet
The Nice Gal Narcissist Magnet
Here is my final archetype and this is something probably a lot of women fall into. I know when I was dating, this was me before, until I started working on myself. I call her The Nice Gal Narcissist Magnet. I did a whole episode on attracting narcissists and man children. The narcissist magnet is people often tell you that you’re amazing, nice and beautiful. You seem to have everything going for you.
Your greatest talent is being a caregiver, a great partner and an excellent listener. You have no trouble attracting men. Men love you but the tendency here is to put other needs before yours and consequently don’t demand things for yourself or self-respect. As relationships go on, bend over backward for the guy to accommodate his needs, wishes and desires, you may even mother him, offer advice, make him feel good but you rarely share your feelings and thoughts and set boundaries for yourself.
In the end, they know nothing about you and you know everything about them. Narcissists prey on women like you because you make them feel amazing and you fill their ego. A couple of other characteristics I want to highlight, you tend to give away your value by doing too much, too soon, too fast. Often the relationships or the guys you get attracted to are like those tornado relationships. It’s a whirlwind.
They make you feel amazing. You think these guys are charismatic. You may offer them advice and support. They’ll tell you how gorgeous you are and all that stuff. In the end, they either leave or feel like the attention got diverted. They go somewhere else. They may end up telling you, “Stop being my therapist. Stop mothering me.” It becomes these lopsided situations.
Others see you as being together and a type of person who can do it all. There’s an interesting dynamic with that. One woman in particular who cracked the narcissist code, I’m happy to say, was gorgeous and successful but she was focusing on the man’s needs rather than hers. She was from an Asian culture where she didn’t learn that it was okay to say her needs and emotions. She didn’t even know how to identify her feelings. Working on that with her and showing up on dates from the minute she said, “Hello,” helping her share herself earlier, rather than later and seeing which guys pay attention to her was key. She ended up attracting this amazing guy. They’re still together and rumor has it, she may be engaged soon.
To recap all of these archetypes, I’m not saying that you are 100% of them. You might have found yourself resonating with a lot of different ones and you could be a combination of two. The important thing is that you’re starting to recognize some patterns for yourself. Everyone has challenges and blind spots when it comes to dating. You need to know what they are and how to work through them. You will find love.
Quick Archetype Exercise
There is a letter that I got and I want to do a little game with you. I’m going to read this letter and as I’m reading it, I want to see if you can guess what archetype she falls into. I don’t know her, so I don’t even know if I’m accurate in my guess but you can detect a few things I did. “Hi, Kimberly. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so confused about what men want. I consider myself a catch. I’m super nice. I’m attractive. I love dressing up. I feel like I have a great wardrobe.”
“I’m successful and overall, a good person but for some reason, the men end up cheating on me. It’s always great when I meet them and they shower me with attention but in the end, I feel unattended to and never get my needs met. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or maybe they are no great men out there. I would love your input on why this keeps happening to me. Sincerely, Worn Out, Wendy.”
Many women fall into this kind of pattern and walk in the same shoes as you. I can see why it’s easy to feel that they’re no good men left out there when you keep encountering this dynamic. The truth is these kinds of men, cheaters, man children, narcissists, whatever these guys are, whatever other costume they are in, they are going to continue to walk on this earth for as long as we live. We can’t change them. I wish we could but we can’t. What we can change is you. We can change the way that we’re looking at things, our perception and the way we’re going about things and try to have an understanding of why we keep attracting them.
As you read this letter from Wendy, which archetype would you guess she is? None of us know Wendy and that is why it would be important to get to know her better. I bet if she took my Archetype Quiz, she would fall heavier into the characteristics of the Nice Gal Narcissist Magnet. Wendy, back to you, here are some simple things I want you to try. Number one, take my Archetype Quiz to see if my assumption is correct. Number two, if so, then you need to start focusing on allowing someone to take care of you for a change and accept being able to receive. You are a caretaker, successful and used to getting things done but be careful about putting others before you, which builds resentment and attracts the narcissist.
Instead, I want you to focus on letting men into your life, share more and show all that you are. Look for reciprocity in your interactions with men. They are good at being charming and telling stories. You’re so good at laughing and making them feel good but when you’re meeting these guys, shell up and start sharing about you. Who is paying attention to you? Who wants to know more? Don’t just sit and listen to it all. Instead, try talking about your interests, express your feelings and see if they listen or care.
The Archetype Quiz
If you feel like you have similar traits to Wendy, think about what you can do differently to attract a different kind of man. Everyone has challenges and blind spots when it comes to dating but if you know what they are and how to work through them, you will find love. At this point, you’re probably wondering, “That’s great. I love all these archetypes and I think I know what I am but now what? What do I do?” That is why I wanted to talk to you about my quiz. I’m super proud of it. Once you complete it, you’re going to receive a report with a description of your archetype, then I will go over the secret weapons, which are tips on how you can counteract some of these archetype challenges.
I hope this was fun, informative and started to get you thinking about what you can change in your life. Thanks for joining me. Remember, you can build confidence, make connections and find love from the outside in. If you want to know that archetype and what you are, take the quiz. If you want to get a handle on your archetype, you’ll also be able to book a personal session with me to go over the challenges and see how I can help. It’s right there once you take the quiz. Stay tuned until the next episode with more tips on how to feel and look fabulous every day.
- How to Set Boundaries – Previous episode
- Archetype Quiz